January 4th 2019
I’ve only said this once out loud before – to a health visitor when T1 was 6 weeks old – I failed that Edinburgh postnatal test, felt guilty and ashamed and pushed it all down and just said the ‘right’ things. I was a first time mum and incredibly confused but I didn’t experience love at first sight. I was overwhelmed with worry and bona fide terror. I still debate typing this even four years later as I worry about judgement but that’s how it was for me.
My firstborn T1 was a much wanted pregnancy. It’d taken over a year of trying and I’d experienced loss. All the things I thought would lead to that. I knew I loved him, of course I did, but for me the anxiety was blindsiding. The genuine panic – how could I ever fall sleep again for worry he would stop breathing. I would walk T1 around the block in his pram worrying the weight of responsibility for his safety would crush me. It took my breath away at times and nothing prepared me for that. I look back and wish I was more relaxed in those first few months with him but the instant responsibility for a wholly dependant human that motherhood brought me flipped my world upside down. I don’t know if others feel like this, I’ve never spoken about it but a note to any mothers out there if you’re currently are, it’s okay.
This beautiful chaos